Humorous drabble series:
Chapter 3: Mayuri Kurotsuchi
Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,
Ah, a very interesting psychological experiment here, this 'fanfiction'! *cackles* My trusty lab assistant has written a program to scrape all the Bleach content from the fanfiction dot net website, all 66,274 stories of it, and input it into our databases here in the Twelfth Division. I have made some fascinating discoveries. (And indeed, some fodder for blackmail… *rubs hands together* …that should assist us with those pesky budgetary difficulties we've been having ever since the 'incident' where soutaichou regrettably discovered the purposes we were using some of our research funds for...)
Ahem. On to the data.
Tsk, tsk. Some of you should attend fiction writing classes on how to avoid clichéd language. There are twelve thousand, five hundred and twenty-seven mentions of 'chocolate orbs', 'violet orbs' or 'teal orbs.' Not to mention 'raven tresses' or 'orange locks.' These are classic indicators of poor writing, my young test subjects.
And fourteen thousand eight hundred nine uses of the terms 'berry' or 'orangette' to refer to the substitute shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki. What is this fixation on fruit? 'Orangette' is not even a word.
And then there's the repetition. And the repetition. And the repetition.
One thousand, nine hundred sixty-four mentions of Hitsugaya-taichou playing soccer. I'm surprised he has time to accomplish his captain's duties with all the hours he spends on the field.
Two thousand, seven hundred and five occurrences of indigestion or poisoning after ingesting a meal cooked by Orihime Inoue. Ha ha, if she's that good at poisoning, I should offer her a position in my lab. We always have open job requisitions for assistants who can administer medication to reluctant subjects.
Four thousand, one hundred eighty-two mentions of the word 'midget' by Kurosaki referring to Kuchiki-fukutaichou. Let me tell you, I have surveillance equipment installed all over the Seireitei and the world of the living and my voice recognition software has not caught a single time Kurosaki called her a midget.
Twelve thousand high school fics. Nine thousand stories where Kurosaki is defeated in battle by a mysterious high school girl from the world of the living… and then falls in love with her. Countless mentions of Gotei 13 captains inexplicably deciding to kiss 'ordinary high school girls' who want to 'help' Soul Society. (But oddly, only 439 stories about me, compared to 8,245 featuring Hitsugaya. Strange…)
By the way, any high school girls who would truly like to help Soul Society by volunteering to assist our scientific endeavors are welcome to come by the Twelfth Division for short, relatively painless, and only slightly invasive experiments. Notify Nemu of your interests and we'll get you set up right away.
Finally, for those of you who have written steamy and explicit scenes which violate fanfiction dot net's content guidelines—you know who you are. I have all your IP addresses right here. Sadly, many of these are even work addresses. Dear, dear. You wouldn't want someone to drop a word in the wrong ear, now, would you? Or send a PM to Critics United, hmm? I didn't think so. Expect a small notice from me in the mail shortly. I accept Paypal.