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November 10, 2012
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Humorous drabble series:

Chapter 3: Mayuri Kurotsuchi


Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,

Ah, a very interesting psychological experiment here, this 'fanfiction'! *cackles* My trusty lab assistant has written a program to scrape all the Bleach content from the fanfiction dot net website, all 66,274 stories of it, and input it into our databases here in the Twelfth Division. I have made some fascinating discoveries. (And indeed, some fodder for blackmail… *rubs hands together* …that should assist us with those pesky budgetary difficulties we've been having ever since the 'incident' where soutaichou regrettably discovered the purposes we were using some of our research funds for...)

Ahem. On to the data.

Tsk, tsk. Some of you should attend fiction writing classes on how to avoid clichéd language. There are twelve thousand, five hundred and twenty-seven mentions of 'chocolate orbs', 'violet orbs' or 'teal orbs.' Not to mention 'raven tresses' or 'orange locks.' These are classic indicators of poor writing, my young test subjects.

And fourteen thousand eight hundred nine uses of the terms 'berry' or 'orangette' to refer to the substitute shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki. What is this fixation on fruit? 'Orangette' is not even a word.

And then there's the repetition. And the repetition. And the repetition.

Pitiful.

One thousand, nine hundred sixty-four mentions of Hitsugaya-taichou playing soccer. I'm surprised he has time to accomplish his captain's duties with all the hours he spends on the field.

Two thousand, seven hundred and five occurrences of indigestion or poisoning after ingesting a meal cooked by Orihime Inoue. Ha ha, if she's that good at poisoning, I should offer her a position in my lab. We always have open job requisitions for assistants who can administer medication to reluctant subjects.

Four thousand, one hundred eighty-two mentions of the word 'midget' by Kurosaki referring to Kuchiki-fukutaichou. Let me tell you, I have surveillance equipment installed all over the Seireitei and the world of the living and my voice recognition software has not caught a single time Kurosaki called her a midget.

Twelve thousand high school fics. Nine thousand stories where Kurosaki is defeated in battle by a mysterious high school girl from the world of the living… and then falls in love with her. Countless mentions of Gotei 13 captains inexplicably deciding to kiss 'ordinary high school girls' who want to 'help' Soul Society. (But oddly, only 439 stories about me, compared to 8,245 featuring Hitsugaya. Strange…)

By the way, any high school girls who would truly like to help Soul Society by volunteering to assist our scientific endeavors are welcome to come by the Twelfth Division for short, relatively painless, and only slightly invasive experiments. Notify Nemu of your interests and we'll get you set up right away.

Finally, for those of you who have written steamy and explicit scenes which violate fanfiction dot net's content guidelines—you know who you are. I have all your IP addresses right here. Sadly, many of these are even work addresses. Dear, dear. You wouldn't want someone to drop a word in the wrong ear, now, would you? Or send a PM to Critics United, hmm? I didn't think so. Expect a small notice from me in the mail shortly. I accept Paypal.

Sincerely,

Mayuri Kurotsuchi
Summary: Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe and pairings, mostly. Drabble series. Suggestions welcome!

This chapter: Mayuri Kurotsuchi

A/N: If you want to see the full series, you can find it on FFnet at [link] where I update frequently. Please leave a review or suggestion on FFnet if you enjoy these drabbles!

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
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:iconkomeko-chan:
Komeko-chan Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The beauty of Kurotsuchi-taichou's words is just... :iconcryforeverplz: 

I cannot thank you (or Kurotsuchi-taichou) enough for this. And the "orbs" crud.. Please.. Just, please stop. 
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2013
Yeah! He blinded us with science there, didn't he? ;) 

So glad you enjoyed the chapter and thanks for the comments and faves. :hug:
Reply
:iconkomeko-chan:
Komeko-chan Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
He has a way of doing that :iconniceguyposeplz:

You're welcome!! 
Reply
:iconespada-kitsuki:
Espada-Kitsuki Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Kurotsuchi-taichou is oh-so clever.
If I were in Bleach, I'd seriously love to work for him, because honestly I'm interested in what goes on in that lab. How on earth does he experiment on his subjects anyways? Stuff like that.

Loved this! XD Made me laugh so much!
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2013
Oh, he is diabolically clever! ;) And I'm so glad this chapter made you laugh! :D Thanks!
Reply
:iconnijiryuu:
nijiryuu Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Kurotsuchi-taichou is freaking AWESOME!!! I couldn't help but to laugh the entire time!! Especially the fact that he COUNTED!!
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:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
I'm so glad you liked this chapter! Yeah, he's really a data-driven kind of guy. :lmao:
Reply
:iconnijiryuu:
nijiryuu Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, he is. Keep up the good work! 
Reply
:iconxsign-of-firex:
Xsign-of-fireX Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
OH my. I think my affection for Kurotsuchi-taichou just increased. You are amazing.
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
Awwww, thanks! :hug: So glad you enjoyed this. I have 40 chapters up on FFnet at the link in my sig, if you're interested... and I ADORE reviews on FFnet if you like any of the chapters! :D
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