Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconsariniste: More from Sariniste


Featured in Collections

Peoms Fanfics Journals by MellieMasterPrime


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
November 10, 2012
File Size
3.6 KB
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,068
Favourites
19 (who?)
Comments
37
×
Humorous drabble series:

Chapter 3: Mayuri Kurotsuchi


Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,

Ah, a very interesting psychological experiment here, this 'fanfiction'! *cackles* My trusty lab assistant has written a program to scrape all the Bleach content from the fanfiction dot net website, all 66,274 stories of it, and input it into our databases here in the Twelfth Division. I have made some fascinating discoveries. (And indeed, some fodder for blackmail… *rubs hands together* …that should assist us with those pesky budgetary difficulties we've been having ever since the 'incident' where soutaichou regrettably discovered the purposes we were using some of our research funds for...)

Ahem. On to the data.

Tsk, tsk. Some of you should attend fiction writing classes on how to avoid clichéd language. There are twelve thousand, five hundred and twenty-seven mentions of 'chocolate orbs', 'violet orbs' or 'teal orbs.' Not to mention 'raven tresses' or 'orange locks.' These are classic indicators of poor writing, my young test subjects.

And fourteen thousand eight hundred nine uses of the terms 'berry' or 'orangette' to refer to the substitute shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki. What is this fixation on fruit? 'Orangette' is not even a word.

And then there's the repetition. And the repetition. And the repetition.

Pitiful.

One thousand, nine hundred sixty-four mentions of Hitsugaya-taichou playing soccer. I'm surprised he has time to accomplish his captain's duties with all the hours he spends on the field.

Two thousand, seven hundred and five occurrences of indigestion or poisoning after ingesting a meal cooked by Orihime Inoue. Ha ha, if she's that good at poisoning, I should offer her a position in my lab. We always have open job requisitions for assistants who can administer medication to reluctant subjects.

Four thousand, one hundred eighty-two mentions of the word 'midget' by Kurosaki referring to Kuchiki-fukutaichou. Let me tell you, I have surveillance equipment installed all over the Seireitei and the world of the living and my voice recognition software has not caught a single time Kurosaki called her a midget.

Twelve thousand high school fics. Nine thousand stories where Kurosaki is defeated in battle by a mysterious high school girl from the world of the living… and then falls in love with her. Countless mentions of Gotei 13 captains inexplicably deciding to kiss 'ordinary high school girls' who want to 'help' Soul Society. (But oddly, only 439 stories about me, compared to 8,245 featuring Hitsugaya. Strange…)

By the way, any high school girls who would truly like to help Soul Society by volunteering to assist our scientific endeavors are welcome to come by the Twelfth Division for short, relatively painless, and only slightly invasive experiments. Notify Nemu of your interests and we'll get you set up right away.

Finally, for those of you who have written steamy and explicit scenes which violate fanfiction dot net's content guidelines—you know who you are. I have all your IP addresses right here. Sadly, many of these are even work addresses. Dear, dear. You wouldn't want someone to drop a word in the wrong ear, now, would you? Or send a PM to Critics United, hmm? I didn't think so. Expect a small notice from me in the mail shortly. I accept Paypal.

Sincerely,

Mayuri Kurotsuchi
Summary: Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe and pairings, mostly. Drabble series. Suggestions welcome!

This chapter: Mayuri Kurotsuchi

A/N: If you want to see the full series, you can find it on FFnet at [link] where I update frequently. Please leave a review or suggestion on FFnet if you enjoy these drabbles!

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkomeko-chan:
Komeko-chan Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The beauty of Kurotsuchi-taichou's words is just... :iconcryforeverplz: 

I cannot thank you (or Kurotsuchi-taichou) enough for this. And the "orbs" crud.. Please.. Just, please stop. 
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2013
Yeah! He blinded us with science there, didn't he? ;) 

So glad you enjoyed the chapter and thanks for the comments and faves. :hug:
Reply
:iconkomeko-chan:
Komeko-chan Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
He has a way of doing that :iconniceguyposeplz:

You're welcome!! 
Reply
:iconespada-kitsuki:
Espada-Kitsuki Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Kurotsuchi-taichou is oh-so clever.
If I were in Bleach, I'd seriously love to work for him, because honestly I'm interested in what goes on in that lab. How on earth does he experiment on his subjects anyways? Stuff like that.

Loved this! XD Made me laugh so much!
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2013
Oh, he is diabolically clever! ;) And I'm so glad this chapter made you laugh! :D Thanks!
Reply
:iconnijiryuu:
nijiryuu Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Kurotsuchi-taichou is freaking AWESOME!!! I couldn't help but to laugh the entire time!! Especially the fact that he COUNTED!!
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
I'm so glad you liked this chapter! Yeah, he's really a data-driven kind of guy. :lmao:
Reply
:iconnijiryuu:
nijiryuu Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, he is. Keep up the good work! 
Reply
:iconxsign-of-firex:
Xsign-of-fireX Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
OH my. I think my affection for Kurotsuchi-taichou just increased. You are amazing.
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
Awwww, thanks! :hug: So glad you enjoyed this. I have 40 chapters up on FFnet at the link in my sig, if you're interested... and I ADORE reviews on FFnet if you like any of the chapters! :D
Reply
:iconxsign-of-firex:
Xsign-of-fireX Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, I looked with my friend who introduced me to Bleach. If I had more time, I'd read them all (Ahhh. . . cruel parents, limiting internet time on school nights. Siiiiigh) But I really like it! I'll try and review a bit there! (I haven't logged on to FF.net for a while. . . )
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013
Thanks so much! :hug: I really appreciate it and I'm very glad you find the chapters funny.

You can review on FFnet without logging in if you want. I accept anonymous reviews. Please say it's you though, so I can thank you here! :love:

Limiting Internet time on school nights??? What can they be thinking? lol
Reply
:iconxsign-of-firex:
Xsign-of-fireX Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:D Jajaja...

Well, I need to log on anyways. . . watchlist has been stacking up since I haven't logged on for MONTHS. . . so yea ^.^ I read some chapters with one of my friends, and she liked it a lot too. ^_^

I know, right? SIIIIIGH. . .
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
I'm glad your friend liked it too! :love:
Reply
:iconyanagi-no-yume:
Yanagi-no-Yume Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
XD Got to love Mayuri... So glad I don't write fanfics! XD
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
Yeah, he's quite the character, isn't he?! :lmao:
Reply
:iconzest1513:
zest1513 Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012
Words cannot describe how much I love this...and even if I did have the words, I wouldn't post them on FF.net because that would just add to all the nonsense. :XD:
:iconhappyhappyplz:
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012
Er... thanks!
Reply
:icondjedra:
Djedra Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Professional Writer
Haha! You know too much, Kurotsuchi-taichou!
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012
Heheh. He really does! :lmao:
Reply
:iconultimatesushilord:
UltimateSushiLord Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012
I guess I can only plead guilty for about 2% of the allegations? Mayuri would set fire to me and my house if he comes across what I've done to his reputation
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012
Sounds like you're in good shape then! :lmao: And Mayuri's got too many others to go after....

Thanks for the comment and the fave! :love:
Reply
:iconultimatesushilord:
UltimateSushiLord Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012
Welcome
Reply
:icontheskandranon:
TheSkandranon Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ha ha, that is totally awesome. The comment about how to write fanfiction is something that I've wanted to say to a lot of people. Some I want to even go farther and say they need to take english class again, lol (not to you though, you do a good job, lol).

I also have to ask. Did you really count all those stories to figure out mentions of Berry and stuff like that, or did you just make up those numbers?
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012
Thanks! :hug:

All the numbers in the previous chapter that were written out in words were all made up. The ones written out with digits were true. :D
Reply
:icontheskandranon:
TheSkandranon Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ha ha, ok then. I was going to say that if you really did count all those then you are even more dedicated to your fanfics than anyone else I know of, lol
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012
lol
Reply
:iconblackravens4:
blackravens4 Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
hey I read this on FF! Glad to see you posting them on other sites too!
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012
Thanks! :love: I'm back and writing more of these drabbles on FFnet now...
Reply
:iconblackravens4:
blackravens4 Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
cool :) GL! :D
Reply
:iconthatjewelchick:
ThatJewelChick Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Read through a bunch of these -- made my night. xD

I approve; nice job. ;3
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012
Thanks! :hug: Glad you enjoyed them! :love:
Reply
:iconyaoiman11:
Yaoiman11 Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Student Artist
Awe the lovely insane pycopath that killed his own zanpacto... how i do love him even with his f-ed up fingerrnal
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012
Yeah, he is a LOT of fun to write ;) No wonder Kubo said he was one of his two favorite characters! :lmao:
Reply
:iconyaoiman11:
Yaoiman11 Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Student Artist
hehehehe
Reply
:icontacopants95:
Tacopants95 Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my god. This is glorious. I laughed so hard at this.
Reply
:iconsariniste:
Sariniste Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012
Thanks so much for the comment and the fave. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

I have more chapters up on FFnet at the link below if you're interested! :)
Reply
Add a Comment: